In life, we often give-and-take. Depending on how much people like to give or take, We can put these people in the three following categories. Takers who like to get more than they give, Matchers who like to give and take equally, and givers who prefer to give more than they get.
Who will be the most successful in the end? Is there a way to tell whether a person is a giver or a taker just by looking at the Facebook profile? Let’s find out based on the book, “Give and Take” by Adam Grant.
We use the term “pushover”. We call a person a pushover, if he or she is easily convinced to buy something or sacrifices in a relationship. Sometimes, we call the pushovers as chumps, doormats or ATM machines.
People often say, “You shouldn’t become a pushover, always lookout for yourself”. Well, that is true. So does that mean the categories are takers, matchers and pushovers? The scholars studied people in these three reciprocity styles.
They measured the performances of these people from variety of professions including, engineers, medical students, and salesmen. Among these people, they found that the givers are most likely to land at the bottom of the success ladder.
They kept helping people and didn’t take care of themselves. The givers at the bottom had 14% less salaries on average, two times more vulnerable to frauds, And their performance score was 22% less than their true abilities.
So yes, we should try to avoid becoming a giver. The world is competitive and we can’t afford being a pushover. Then who are those people on the top of success ladder? Would it be the takers who value their own benefits the most? Surprisingly, the givers take the top of the ladder too.
People in this category also have high performance reviews or the highest GPA. Then what distinguish from the top performing givers and the givers at the bottom? The difference is really in the term of “pushover”.
The givers and the pushovers have distinctive differences. The pushovers help other people without considering the damages that can cause to themselves or to other majority of people. The givers help people but they don’t let other people to take advantage of them repeatedly.
We will discover the differences more later. But first, are you a taker, matcher, or giver? When it is a keen relationship, such as family, friends, or significant others, we tend to act as a giver. In different situations, we wear different hats.
For example, when we negotiate salaries, we become takers, when we give advices to our mentees, we become givers, and when we exchange professional information with colleagues we become matchers. We tend to behave in one style in professional setting or when we interact with acquaintances.
To understand which category, you fit in in general, it is more accurate to see our behaviors towards our week-ties. Why do you think the givers have higher achievement compare to the takers or matchers? First, it is because of the quantity and quality of their network.
When it comes to business, networking is an important element of success. Therefore, many people pretend to be givers to build a kinship. People often behave like a giver to boss and like a matcher or a taker to the juniors or colleagues.
However, pretending can’t last too long. Time passes and when people realize that the taker cares only about his benefit, people try to punish the taker. We often see that people gossip about the taker.
Many behavioral scientists claim that gossip is a broad and cost-efficient way to punish people in a group. When people learn about the selfishness of the taker, they refuse to build a mutual-beneficiary relationship.
Therefore, in a long-run, the taker loses the connection with people. On the other hand, the givers celebrate other people’s success. Giving may seem like a risk or a loss but it injects enormous power in a long-run.
Generally, a person who received from the giver tries to return the favor. By giving, the giver leaves a positive impression and the connection expends. Let’s examine deeper about “weak-ties”. Weak ties are acquaintances, the people we know casually.
Surprisingly, people were significantly more likely to benefit from weak ties. The problem is that it’s tough to ask weak ties for help because of the lack of mutual trust between acquaintances which creates a psychological barrier.
But the key is reconnecting, and it’s a major reason why givers succeed in the long run. How about the matchers? At a glance, it seems fair since it is give and take. But there are two problems with that.
First, the person who received help from the matcher appreciates the help but he has an impression that the matcher is being nice because of the matcher’s own interest. When the relationship feels like a trade-off, the authenticity of the relationship disappears.
Second, this kind of relationship limits the expansion of network. The matcher doesn’t take time to invest in a relationship if they believe that there’s no return. On the other hand, the actions of the givers inspire people.
We are more likely to be impressed by the giver’s unconditional giving. And that impression last long. Even if the giver hasn’t been in close touch, people are happy to reconnect with the giver any time.
Another reason why the givers succeed is his trust in potentials. A philosopher Goethe said, “If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be or could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.
” If you know that the person that you are interacting today will become a significant figure in the future, will you act like a taker or a giver toward him? You may think that a person that you are dealing with today is not worth your time.
But you should remember that his or her fullest potentials are yet to be discovered. Imagine how much trust relationship it will bring if people treat others based on potentials and possibilities in each other.
Also, givers have more advantages in the era of social media. Back when the internet was not widely used, it was easier to conceal dark history. Whistle-blowing was harder when people were less connected online.
Today, both good and bad behaviors are easily exposed through social media. Now we know that there are givers and takers, how can we tell whether someone is a giver or taker? Many psychologists argued that Facebook timeline can display the traits of the giver and the taker.
For example, takers tend to use I, my, mine very often. Their expressions seem to be self-centered or even narcissistic. Many stuff that they share have sense of exaggeration and arrogance. They tend to engage in artificial relationships or show off their achievements so that they can attract other people’s attention.
A taker uses his or her friends as a backdrop to look good. Now, let’s go back to the beginning. What distinguishes the givers from the pushovers? One of the biggest differences is that givers don’t waste time on the takers.
They don’t help the selfish takers more than once. However, the pushovers tend to help everybody without boundaries. The givers know how to push back when needed. However, the pushovers let the takers take advantages of them.
So, let’s make this clear distinction between the givers and the pushovers and Don’t waste your time on takers. It may seem that being a giver is rather complicated. There are many ways to shift your reciprocity and one is to embrace the Five-Minute Favor and spend five minutes a day to help other people.
The help could be anything from giving useful advice to someone, introducing someone, to sharing information. Information or people that you know can be very valuable assets to someone. Share what you know without any expectations or returns.
The true givers don’t calculate what are the long-term or short term returns on their kind actions. They find joy and happiness in the action of giving itself. Along the way, they naturally find both success and happiness.
Have you been a taker, a matcher or a giver? Whichever you may be, you may find your own way of success. When you are a giver people may think that you are a pushover But always remember to find joy in giving.
Because today is the era of the smart givers. Thanks for watching “Draw the Book”. We are planning to draw more contents relating to knowledge, psychology, science or self-improvement. To stay connected, please click the link below for more details:
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